A Singing Harmony
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Chapter One

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Chapter One Empty Chapter One

Post by LavenderYuki 2011-04-07, 15:16

Thank you guys for giving me this chance to share with you my project. So here it is. Be warned, it's very long. I tend to write too long for my own good.

Please don't be afraid to give me your thoughts on whether you like it or don't. I need the feedback.

EDIT: Do they keep wine in barrels? IDK cuz wine is not something we see easily where I came from. I just realized how silly the scene was lol

Spoiler:


Last edited by LavenderYuki on 2011-04-09, 16:10; edited 1 time in total
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Post by Artesox 2011-04-09, 07:26

Awesome *-*
I didn't finished yet, but I will soon.

Then I will use this post to do a better comment
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Post by phio_chan 2011-04-09, 21:49

For grammatical errors, I think yukihime is somehow more expert than me, so I'd leave that to her. :3

I noticed few things, though.

"Cloths and spices what they have and silver and gold are they after."
>>> I thought the correct term is "clothes", not "cloths"? And also, I think you need to put "what" after "gold".

"Rubbing the spot with one hand, she quickly makes sure to him that she was alright and he needs not to worry with smiles and giggles to herself. When will I ever learn to look to where I was going, she mocked herself, this is the second time I almost plant my face to the ground! "
>>> Confusion about present and past tense. I think for stories like this we use past tense, right? And maybe you can give a mark to differ the character's thoughts, be it by giving "..." or by making it in italic. It just seems somehow confusing.

"– no older herself, most of them –"
>>> You missed "than" there before "herself", I believe.

I will update this post later if I have some spare time (I need to read materials for exams as well, ahaha~). I took quick read to the chapter, and it seemed like most mistakes are only the confusion of using past tense, then switched to present tense all of a sudden, then returned to the past tense again. I think present tense can only be used for characters' spoken words or unspoken thoughts. But I could be wrong, as I have never written a story in English.

All in all, amazing job, LavenderYuki! Keep up the amazing work. smile
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Post by Kyoki 2011-04-14, 11:57

Teehee, I just got finished reading your story and it's good. I can't wait for more! I wanna know what happens next!
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Chapter One Empty Re: Chapter One

Post by LavenderYuki 2011-04-15, 17:37

@freija93; thanks for the heads up. I did left out 'than' in that line, don't know why Words not warn me about it.
I actually did use italics for monologues, just that when I copy-pasta them, they were all lost. here's the .docx version if you're interested. I had made some grammatical corrections of those I can find and figure out.

Chapter One .docx version

@everyone; thanks for the comments. look out for moar!
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